For a long time, I convinced myself that smoking weed and paying people for tarot and divination readings was my sanctuary. The two seemed to go hand in hand—a way to numb emotions I didn’t want to face or to create a false sense of control over my life. I was paying others to tell me what I thought I needed to hear, believing that their readings could provide the answers I was searching for. But I had to ask myself: Why was I paying for something that would never truly heal me? Prayer is free. God is the only true know-all, be-all, and the answers I sought were always within reach through Him, not in relying on others for guidance. The more I depended on these practices, the more I was building a habit, not a foundation of peace. Deep down, I knew they were just distractions. They felt like a lifeline, but in truth, they were chains—sin disguised as pleasure, leaving me emptier with each use.
It’s funny how we tell ourselves something is okay even when every fiber of our being knows it’s not. I was stuck in a loop, repeating unhealthy cycles, wondering why nothing ever changed. Every bad outcome pointed to one truth I refused to face: I wasn’t trusting God. I thought I had control over my life, but I didn’t trust Him enough to lead me to the peace, happiness, and freedom He had already planned for me—plans made before I even took my first breath.
I used to ask myself, Why didn’t they choose me? Why wasn’t she kinder to me? Why me? It felt like the world was constantly reminding me that I wasn’t enough. But the truth is, even the most perfect man, Jesus, was crucified by this world. So why was I surprised when the world let me down? As Lauryn Hill once said, “Everyday people lie to God too, so what makes you think they won’t lie to you?”
When I started leaning on God, everything changed. My comfort, my happiness, my hope—all of it could only be found in Him. Anger and sadness that once consumed me became lighter in His presence. He led me through my darkest moments, and I realized He always had.
One day, I lost my dog. Panic set in. I was convinced he was either dead or lost without a trace, and my mind spiraled with worry about how I would tell my mom that I’d lost or even killed our dog on the first day he stepped outside the house. But as I drowned in fear, God was already working. Out of nowhere, I saw a man standing in front of my apartment complex, holding my dog by the leash. I was breathless, unable to speak, as relief washed over me. That moment reminded me: God sees us even in our chaos. He knows all and works for our good, even when we doubt Him.
But trusting God didn’t just mean confronting my inner turmoil. I had to face how I viewed myself outwardly, too. Social media, body dysmorphia, and the pressures of society were relentless. At one point, I genuinely thought spending $10,000 to “fix” my body would be the answer. By 17, I was trapped in a cycle of self-hate, comparing myself to everyone around me. Society told me I was an ugly, dark-skinned African girl, and I believed it.
Even when I tried to edit the pictures, adjust the angles, and hide the flaws, I couldn’t outrun the deeper sadness. No filter could mask the delusion I was living in—a fake reality that was impossible to sustain. If you lie to yourself enough, you start to believe it. But the truth always breaks through, and the truth was this: Nothing is ever going to be perfect.
God had to isolate me to heal me. My inner demons were too loud to ignore. I had to confront my pain—first outwardly and then inwardly. Some insecurities stemmed from the lack of resources I grew up with, while others came from the lies I believed about myself. But healing meant recognizing the truth: God made me whole before the world tried to break me.
It won’t happen overnight. It literally took me 10 full years to come to the peace that God has graced me with today. During that time, I repeated cycles, disobeyed God, and did a lot of things I swore to myself and to God I wouldn’t do. But none of that matters to God. He knows you. He knows your heart. And He is ready to heal you like no other.
And so, I’m learning every day. Love is honesty—honesty with yourself and with God. Let Him lead you. Let Him console you. He knows the pain you carry, and He wants to heal it. Trusting Him isn’t always easy, but I promise you this: It’s worth it
Tu Paz: A Journey of Faith and Healing 